Looking back I see...

(somehow this didn't get posted with the other May poems.  sorry about that)

...that May was rough, and it shows. Which is why I wrote "someday", I suppose.

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a remembered friendship

Remember that song we both liked
from that movie we both saw
I was playing it the first time I met your husband
That's the moment I always picture now
me behind my desk
you standing
and your husband standing behind
all of us
wrapped in the simple pleasure
of a song

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[untitled]

i wish we were better friends
i'd slip my arm around yours
and curl myself against your side
you'd lay your head on mine
and say something sour
until i pinched you in the end
it would be sweet
and comforting
and comfortable
without meaning more in that moment
than we mean to each other in ever other momment
then the meal would be over
and i would stand
and you would stand
we'd smile
until you said something inane
and i had to pinch you again
comforting
comfortable
nothing more and nothing less
than basking in the presence of good friends

7/27/15 2:05pm, this is the picture I keep of you

Dear Friend
my favorite picture of you
is one that you hate
plain
fresh faced
curls unruly

You were trying to make a point
if I'm not mistaken
trying to show me one thing
and I saw another

I want to replace all your made up faces
with this one
Dear Friend
the light behind you
no guile
no walls
exhausted
and honest
putting on for no one
comparing yourself to no one
you and you alone

I wish you saw in yourself
what I've always seen in that picture
the way you glow when you forget to try

5/21/15, 10:25 pm, after my dodgeball high had worn off

Dear Friend
I hold the secrets you speak in my ear

Dear Friend
I hold the secrets you speak in my hearing
never intending to reveal them to me

And it hurts to know that you've found yourself
in a place of discontent and indecision

And it hurts to know you think I wouldn't go
down to that place with you

5/12/15, how do you put this into words that ppl will believe

Dear Husband
Because I love you
I'll admit this about myself now
Instead of making you fall
Into a trap my issues design

I'm a needy thing
And jealous too
Insecure, am I
Proprietary, too
And hard to convince

Sometimes
(All the times)
I cling
Needing the reassurance
Of you against me

Like a child I will always want you near
Even when I laugh and let you go
My skin yearns for yours
My eyes yearn for visions of you
Committing the heat of you

The feel of you
The shape of you
The scent of you
To my memory over and over again
Learning every variation

On your theme
Is my failsafe against my feverish conviction
That someday you'll realize
It's better to walk away
Not that you've ever said

Nor actions you ever took
But I'm a needy thing
An insecure thing
And hard to convince, too
Let me help you

Help me

05/07/15 I think I wrote this one a lot but not lately

whether you show up today
or whether you show up not at all
you are mine
as i am yours, Husband
and for now
in this moment
that's enough

5/5/15 6:48 pm trying to go grocery shopping

Dear random guy
Standing a little too close
(all things considered)
Your back to me
On the #nycsubway platform
I'm going to imagine you're my bodyguard
And I'm a very important person
Until our train comes

05/05/15 someday

someday
someone will look back at my catalogue
and wonder at the anger
the bitterness
weeping open wounds
that slash at pages
they'll read and be
exhausted by the repetitive
complaints
abuses
and hurts piled on my head
and shared on the heads of others

the loneliness will make them numb
they'll close the books
to wonder how pain
can feed a life so long
how to square the woman on the page
with the one who smiles in pictures
glowing in the words of others

they won't know
the way i hope you know
how i've poured out my love
on the ones i love
in silent support
unending curiosity
giggles and in-jokes
corny
cheesy
moments to live for
and die denying
fiercely protective
of faults and failings
but never accepting
there is nothing more to be found

my joy
my admiration
my devoted regard
and purest love
are written in arms that hold
in ears that listen
eyes that stay
focused on your face
feet that follow when others walk away
a mouth sealed against your secret
and a heart burdened with your hurts

someone
someday
will marvel how much pettiness
wretchedness
self-involvement
a page can hold

it was either give it to the page
or spend the time loving
choking

When the songs stop

NaPoWriMo is long over, but, as often happens, I was very prolific into the month of May. I compose pretty ask the time, but NaPoWriMo helps me to get back into the swing of writing it consistently.

Anywho, here is the first in a series of May poems.

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05/04/15 Dear Friend

Dear Friend
Sometimes you complain that I assume the worst
That you are not for me
That I stand alone
That I believe alone
That I am the idiosyncratic

Dear Friend
Speak for me
Stand with me
Be vulnerable with me
Unafraid to stand stand and walk alone (with me)
And I'll take your fault finding to heart